Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Randomize
