Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
