Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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