he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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