She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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