Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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