Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
