So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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