Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
we should paint friendship bongs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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