I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize