i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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