How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bring money and cleavage
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
