Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
