Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
