So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
