Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
