Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
