Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
