So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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