You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
