I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he quoted the bible to break up with me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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