Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
