You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
