I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
