Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
please come you make the beer taste better
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
