Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
