smell my finger.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
