i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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