Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
