Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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