What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
