Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
