the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
