Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
