My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
