glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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