The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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