he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize