Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
