The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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