It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
