I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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