mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
