Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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