Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
