i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
