Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
not ubering you a puppy
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize