well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
