my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
