when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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