took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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