i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
