Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
