your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im part way to drunk.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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