If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
