omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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