An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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