Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
