Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
