Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
