I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
