yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
