And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
