a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I want a musical about memes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
