My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
