my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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