Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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